CAP'N CRUNCH MURDERED

HORATIO MAGELLAN CRUNCH, AGE UNKNOWN, OF CHICAGO, ILLINOIS, died March 9, 2011.
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The circumstances of Horatio's birth are shrouded in mystery. His parents were Ms. Pamela Low, a flavorist, and Mr. Jay Ward of Jay Ward Studios. He was never married and had no children. His title was honorary, but his courageous leadership through the years in epic battles with Jean LaFoote and the Soggies earned him the undying respect of boys and girls the world over. The Cap'n was employed in advertising by the Quaker Oats Company from 1963 to the present. He was beloved by children and adults for "Crunch-a-tizing" their breakfasts and always leaving behind cereal-flavored milk. The Cap'n was the unquestioned king of all cereals from 1965 to 1971 and maintained a significant portion of the market to this day. He was instrumental in bringing many wonderful new cereals to the public, including Crunch Berries, Peanut Butter Crunch, Oops All Berries, the legendary Polar Crunch and many more. The Cap'n delivered innumerable bowls of sweetness to teenagers in need. His achievements in the cereal world are simply unmatched.
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Cap'n Crunch was brutally murdered by First Lady Michelle Obama and the food police as part of their campaign to tell us all what to eat and what not to eat. The Cap'n was taken from us in his prime and he will be sorely missed by the sugar-deprived masses of the world.
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The Cap'n leaves behind the crew of the Guppy (Alfie, Brunhilde, Carlyle, and Dave) and his trusty canine Sea Dog.
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No memorial services will be conducted. Fans should enjoy another box of Crunch to say their final farewell before it disappears completely from our store shelves. Now we will have nowhere to turn for the crunchy deliciousness the Cap’n provided for many years.