Wednesday, March 09, 2011

CAP'N CRUNCH MURDERED




HORATIO MAGELLAN CRUNCH, AGE UNKNOWN, OF CHICAGO, ILLINOIS, died March 9, 2011.
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The circumstances of Horatio's birth are shrouded in mystery. His parents were Ms. Pamela Low, a flavorist, and Mr. Jay Ward of Jay Ward Studios. He was never married and had no children. His title was honorary, but his courageous leadership through the years in epic battles with Jean LaFoote and the Soggies earned him the undying respect of boys and girls the world over. The Cap'n was employed in advertising by the Quaker Oats Company from 1963 to the present. He was beloved by children and adults for "Crunch-a-tizing" their breakfasts and always leaving behind cereal-flavored milk. The Cap'n was the unquestioned king of all cereals from 1965 to 1971 and maintained a significant portion of the market to this day. He was instrumental in bringing many wonderful new cereals to the public, including Crunch Berries, Peanut Butter Crunch, Oops All Berries, the legendary Polar Crunch and many more. The Cap'n delivered innumerable bowls of sweetness to teenagers in need. His achievements in the cereal world are simply unmatched.
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Cap'n Crunch was brutally murdered by First Lady Michelle Obama and the food police as part of their campaign to tell us all what to eat and what not to eat. The Cap'n was taken from us in his prime and he will be sorely missed by the sugar-deprived masses of the world.
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The Cap'n leaves behind the crew of the Guppy (Alfie, Brunhilde, Carlyle, and Dave) and his trusty canine Sea Dog.
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No memorial services will be conducted. Fans should enjoy another box of Crunch to say their final farewell before it disappears completely from our store shelves. Now we will have nowhere to turn for the crunchy deliciousness the Cap’n provided for many years.

Monday, March 07, 2011

CANISTER SHOT #1

072000ZMAR11
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1. ISAF COMMANDER GENERAL DAVID PETRAEUS appeared on FNC's "Special Report" in the beginning of an interview that will be spread out through the week. Speaking with Brett Baier, Petraeus offered a cautiously optimistic evaluation of the situation on the ground in Afghanistan. He said Taliban progress has been halted in most provinces and reversed in some areas, pointing out Helmand and Kandahar provinces as areas where tough fighting has yielded "significant progress". When pressed on the issue of Taliban and Al Qaeda camps in Pakistan and the possibility of striking them, Petraeus deferred to the "policy makers" with a large smile.
His relationship with Afghan President Karzai has not exactly been wine and roses lately. General Petraeus allegedly pointed out to Karzai that some Afghan parents burn the hands and feet of their children to present them as civilian casualties in order to be compensated. Karzai has rejected a personal apology from General Petraeus for the killing of nine boys ages 8 to 14 who were collecting firewood and were mistaken for insugents by a helicopter in Kunan province, calling it not enough. The Afghan president has done a lot of crying and wailing over this incident, clearly a terrible mistake no one intended. Karzai doesn't seem to make nearly as much noise about Al Qaeda and the civilian deaths they purposefully inflict on a daily basis.
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2. SECDEF GATES arrived in Kabul today, greeted by a joke about Libya from General Petraeus that was picked up on microphones. Like with nearly every other subject, the media have no sense of humor about international politics. This SECDEF continues to do great damage to the security of our nation with his ill-advised comments. Quite frankly, Mr. Gates needs to shut up. After his incredibly irresponsible February 25 speech at West Point declaring the majority of the globe off limits to future American military action, he today issued an unequivocal statement rejecting any possibility of U.S. ground troops being used in Libya. His comments bring comfort to our enemies by reassuring them of a free hand in most areas. The SECDEF simply cannot go around the world drawing lines determining any possible future use of American force. It is no less than providing free intelligence to America's enemies. Mr. Gates should be fired if he cannot refrain from making future policy pronouncements. Our security is damaged each day he continues in his current position. He has glibly allowed Congress to freely and haphazardly hack at the Pentagon budget in time of war. His retirement to civilian life cannot come soon enough.
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3. DEAR CHRIS MATTHEWS: Your show is hard to watch. Let me start with a few good things about it, which may explain why I even bother. Your show is clearly the best on a network I consider largely unviewable. Occasionally the debates are interesting enough to warrant a short viewing stint. I accept that you are a Democrat, I'm aware of your past work, and I accept that. Now let me point out the problems. Your constant portrayal of conservatives as racist, homophobic, "birther" Christian zealots is annoying to say the least. Conservatives and/or the Republican Party is no more homogenous than the Democrats. This may come as a shock to you, but the GOP is a party generally united in philosophy, while the Democrat party is a collection of interest groups united in desire for bigger government. Your obsessive hatred for Minnesota Representative Michelle Bachman is getting scary. Your face turns a bright red whenever her name is mentioned. You eviscerate the far right for thinking President Obama is some sort of "Manchurian candidate", yet you have no problem applying that exact term to Representative Bachman. Tonight you said she looked "hypnotic" and "trance-like" while your liberal buddy Jonathan Capehart said she "meanders". Let me help you gentlemen out with this: she is simply refusing to accept the leftist premise of the questions asked of her and is making her own points. I know you guys hate it when conservatives won't play along your game. And you really need more conservatives to participate. A bunch of liberals yukking it up and patting each other on the back while agreeing with each other is not a debate and is not even mildly entertaining. By continuing to display the degree of disdain, disregard, and wild stereotyping of conservatives you have so far, you are severely limiting your potential audience. I guess it's fine if preaching to the choir is your career goal. I personally would watch more often and for longer periods if it were a bit more fair. I expect some slant, Chris, just not that far. I actually like to watch when it's decent to hear the ideas of the other side. That way I know what I'm against.
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